


Undone

by localspacelesbian



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Death of a Parent, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Minor Character Death, Sad, i don't know guys i'm sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:46:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25622341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/localspacelesbian/pseuds/localspacelesbian
Summary: Buffy gets some bad news.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	Undone

**Author's Note:**

> title from the song Undone from Shook

She was in History when it happened. Maybe someday she’ll be able to look back and appreciate the irony of the fact that she was learning about dead people at the time. Maybe someday, but not today.

The phone rang. It wasn’t like the classroom phone never rang, but it was rare enough that everyone looked up and watched their teacher answer it. She didn’t think much of it at first. She knew it wouldn’t have anything to do with her. So when her teacher looked right at her and said, “Buffy, your dad’s here to sign you out for the rest of the day,” she was confused. She felt her blood run cold and her heart rate pickup. She wasn’t sure how or why, but she knew something was wrong. She just nodded at her teacher and gathered her things.

As she left the classroom and walked to her locker, she tried to calm her nerves by convincing herself that maybe she just had a dentist appointment or something that her dad had forgotten to tell her about. Really, there was no reason to think that anything was wrong, but she couldn’t shake the thought that Something Very Bad had happened.

After she got her stuff from her locker, she walked toward the front office. As soon as she saw her dad, all of her fears were confirmed, and she almost froze, but she forced herself to keep walking. It was obvious that he’d been crying, but he was trying to keep his composure. For her. Her dad never cried. That voice in her head telling her that Something Very Bad had happened got louder and more specific. She couldn’t bring herself to form the words, even in her head, but she  _ knew _ exactly what it was. She just hoped she was wrong. She wasn’t.

When she got close enough, she asked her dad, “What happened?”

“It’s your mom. She’s… She passed away.”

Buffy felt… Well, she actually didn’t feel much of anything. She was just numb. She couldn’t feel anything. Not now. Not while she was still at school. She barely even registered anything else her dad said as he led her out of the school and into his car. All she could think about was how much she hated the phrase ‘passed away.’ People always said that. Like, to soften the blow or something. To make it seem like they died peacefully in their sleep or something. She knew that wasn’t what happened. She didn’t know exactly what  _ had _ happened, but her mom was in the military, and Buffy wasn’t an idiot. She knew it probably wasn’t a peaceful death. She hadn’t ‘passed away.’ She had… But Buffy couldn’t even think that word either.

When they got home, her dad suggested putting on a movie. She knew he was just trying to distract her. But when she looked at him, she realized that maybe he needed the distraction just as much as she did, so she agreed. They put on  _ Tarzan _ . At some point, probably around the time school got out, her phone started blowing up with messages from her friends, asking where she was. She turned her phone off and set it on the table next to the couch. When the movie was over, they put on another and ordered takeout.

It was weird. Buffy was used to it just being her and her dad. She wasn’t expecting to see her mom for months anyway. So it almost felt like a normal day. Watching a movie and eating takeout with her dad. A few times, she almost forgot that anything was even different. And then she would remember, and she felt a physical ache in her heart. She cuddled closer to her dad and tried to focus on the movie. She barely took in anything that happened on the screen, but it functioned as a good enough distraction.

Buffy woke up confused. It took her a second to realize that she was on the couch, and another second to remember why. She heard a voice. She sat up and looked over the back of the couch. She saw her dad in the kitchen, pacing and talking on the phone. She could only make out some of what he was saying, but after a minute, she figured out what he was doing. Planning the funeral. Her mom’s funeral. She looked away and did her best to block out the noise.

After a minute, he came around to the front of the couch and sat next to her. “You’re up.”

She nodded.

“Are you hungry?”

She shrugged.

“Do you want some cereal?”

Logically, she knew she should eat, but she didn’t feel anything. She just shrugged again.

He nodded and stood up. A minute later, he came back with a bowl of cereal. He handed it to her and left. She sat there and ate in silence. She couldn’t taste anything. She barely processed anything that was happening around her. Her body was working on autopilot. When she was done eating, she went to bathroom, but she couldn’t make herself shower or get dressed or even look in the mirror.

She went back in the living room. She glanced at her phone, but couldn’t bring herself to check it. It crossed her mind that her friends were probably worried about her. She wondered if they knew. If anyone would have told them. She didn’t want to have to be the one to tell them. She didn’t want to talk to them or to anyone right. She didn’t want to do anything. She lay back down on the couch and turned on the tv.

At some point, her dad came in and told her that the funeral was going to be the next day. She just nodded. He told her that she could talk to him if she wanted to. She just nodded again. The two of them may be really close, being home alone together so much, but neither of them were great with feelings. And this was completely new territory for both of them. She just kept watching tv. If you asked her later, she wouldn’t even be able to tell you what she was watching. Her dad brought her lunch at some point. Once again, she ate without really tasting it. All day, she just lay there, zoning in and out, not processing anything. She only got up a couple times to go to the bathroom, and even that was a struggle. She might have fallen asleep for a bit. She honestly couldn’t tell.

At about four, there was a knock on the door. Her dad answered it. She heard two familiar voices. Her dad talked to them quietly. She tried not to think about the words he was saying, but she knew what they were. What he was telling them. She couldn’t see them, but she could picture their reactions in her head. She hated it. He looked over at her. She could tell he was trying to ask her if she wanted him to let them in. She didn’t have the energy to respond. He let them in anyway.

She watched her boyfriend and her best friend walk into the house. She couldn’t look at them, already picturing the looks of pity they were giving her and not wanting to confirm it. She felt her eyes water and realized that she hadn’t actually cried yet. Was there something wrong with her?

She felt them standing right in front of her, so she forced herself to sit up and look at them. They sat down on either side of her. She leaned into Marty, and he immediately put his arm around her. She felt Cyrus put his arm around her too and lean his head on her shoulder.

And that. That did it. She finally broke. She started crying. No.  _ Bawling _ . She couldn’t remember the last time she cried. It was loud and messy, and she was probably getting snot and tears on Marty’s shirt, but he didn’t say anything about it. He just held her and rubbed her back and said words that sounded comforting even though she couldn’t actually understand them. And Cyrus held her hand and was just there. Like he was always just there. For her. For everyone. Every time.

Eventually, the tears stopped, and she lifted her head. Cyrus handed her a tissue, and she blew her nose. She hated it. She hated the way crying felt. How it made her throat raw. How it was so gross. How it made her eyes hurt. How it made her look weak.

Cyrus finally spoke. “I’d ask if you’re ok, but I think the answer’s kind of obvious.”

She almost laughed. “Yeah…” It was the first word she’d spoken all day. It was barely audible.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

She shook her head. “Not really.”

Cyrus nodded. “Ok. Well, if you do…”

“I know. Thanks.”

“Do you want us to stay with you?” Marty asked.

She shook her head. “You guys don’t have to do that.”

“That’s not what I asked. Do you  _ want _ us to?”

She looked between them before nodding. She hugged Marty. She almost started crying again, but it was as if she’d run out of tears. “Thank you,” she said before leaning back again and looking at both of them.

“Have you eaten today?” Cyrus asked.

She nodded.

“What’d you have?”

She looked off to the side as she thought about it. “I don’t remember.”

Marty put his hand on her knee. “I’ll make you dinner.”

She looked at him. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. Besides, it’s not just for you. It’s for your dad, too.”

She nodded. He kissed her on the cheek before standing up and walking into the kitchen. She turned to Cyrus and leaned her head on his shoulder.

He put his arm around her. “I’m sorry.”

She wrinkled her nose. “You know I hate those words.”

“I know. I don’t know what else to say.”

“Tell me about your day.”

“Are you sure?” She nodded. “Ok.” So he did. She tried to focus on his words. It was easier than the tv, but still hard. He told her about what she’d missed at school. But mostly, he talked about TJ. The familiarity of the conversation was comforting.

After a while, Marty came in and told them that supper was ready. Cyrus helped her up, and they walked into the kitchen. It was breakfast for dinner. There were chocolate chip pancakes. Her mom used to make chocolate chip pancakes all the time. She knew that Marty didn’t know that, but it made her emotional. She walked up to him and hugged him. This time, she let the tears fall. This time, they were silent. He held her until she was done and stepped back, wiping her eyes before sitting down.

Her dad came in, and the four of them all ate together. Marty and Cyrus made sure that there wasn’t a quiet moment the whole meal. For the first time in over 24 hours, the house felt alive. It certainly wasn’t back to normal, but she didn’t feel quite so numb anymore.

* * *

Marty, Andi, and Cyrus were her only friends that she invited to the actual funeral. She held Marty’s hand the whole time. She tried to be strong for her mom, but she could barely stop crying. At least she wasn’t the only one. If there’s one place it’s socially acceptable to cry, it’s a funeral. A lot of different people, including her dad, spoke, but it all kind of passed in a blur.

Afterward, they all went back to her house for the reception. There were more people there. All of her friends were there. Relatives she hardly knew and people who had worked with her mom were there. People tried to talk to her, but she just didn’t know what they expected her to say. The whole time, Marty never left her side. She was amazed at how well he interacted with everyone there, talking so she wouldn’t have to.

After a while though, she needed some space. Alone. So she went outside. She finally felt like she could breathe. She paced in a circle, shaking her hands, trying to get herself together, so she could go back inside.

She heard someone come outside, and turned to see TJ walking toward her. For some reason, the sight of him filled her with anger, the strongest emotion she’d felt in days, as she flashed back to a conversation between them from months ago.

_ Buffy was at the park, shooting hoops alone, when TJ showed up and joined her. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. He knew that she was upset, and this was what they did. They played basketball together in silence. And somehow, it made them feel better. Sometimes they’d talk, but they didn’t always need words. _

_ After a while, she got tired and sat down on a bench next to the court. He sat next to her. They were silent for a while before she finally spoke. “My mom’s being deployed again.” It had been two years. She had finally gotten used to having her mom around all the time. And now she was being taken away. Again. _

_ “Oh.” _

_ She nodded. “I hate it. I hate that I don’t get to see her. I hate that I never know where she is or what she’d doing or if I’m ever going to see her again.” _

_ “You’ll see her again.” _

_ She looked at him. “You don’t know that.” _

_ He just shrugged and held out her pinky. “I promise.” _

_ She scoffed, but held up her own pinky to wrap around his with a small smile on her face. “Ok.” _

He had lied to her. She knew it was irrational. He had had no way of knowing what would happen. He’d just been trying to make her feel better. And at the time, it had worked. But he had lied. She was never going to see her mom again. And she knew it wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t been the one who’d killed her. He hadn’t taken her mom from her. But he’d lied to her.

She stormed up to TJ, and pointed her finger at him angrily. “You lied.” He just looked confused. “You lied to me! You told me I’d see my mom again!” She watched as realization dawned on his face. And then he just looked sad. Or maybe that was pity on his face. That just made her angrier. She hit him on the chest with her fist. He didn’t even react, so she hit him again. And again. And again. Until all the anger was drained out of her, and she just collapsed onto his chest and started crying again. The gross, loud, ugly kind of crying that she hated. He wrapped his arms around her and held her. He rubbed her back and kissed the side of her head. “My mom’s dead.” That was the first time she’d said that. She hadn’t even said it in her head. As she said the words, it was like the fact hit her all over again.

“I know.”

“I’m never going to see her again.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

She let go of him and stepped back. “What am I going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“What  _ do _ you know?”

He held both of her hands. “I know that you’re the strongest person I know. And you think that you have to be strong all the time, but you don’t. It’s ok to be sad. Or mad. Or whatever you’re feeling right now.”

“Oh.” She looked down for a second and then back at him. “Anything else?”

“I know that you don’t have to go back in that house right now if you don’t want to.”

“I probably should, though, right?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think anyone would blame you if you didn’t.”

She nodded and then sat down on the stairs that led into the house. TJ sat next to her and put his arm around her.

“I love you.” And her world must have really turned upside down if she was admitting that.

“I love you, too.”

There was an unspoken agreement between them that they would never tell anyone about this. But for now, she just let him comfort her.

* * *

She went back to school the next Monday. Her dad told her that she didn’t have to, but she did. She couldn’t just sit around doing nothing anymore. She needed to re-enter the real world. To regain some semblance of normalcy in her life.

She had a lot of work to catch up on, but she wasn’t too worried about it. The worst part was the looks that everyone kept giving her, especially her teachers. And the guidance counselor had called her into her office before school started to check on her. She hated every second of it. But she _ needed  _ things to get back to normal. So she just had to deal with it.

At basketball practice, Kaitlin came up to her while they were warming up. She looked a bit awkward and nervous. “My mom died when I was younger. It’s been long enough now for me that I’ve kind of made peace with it, but it still hurts sometimes, you know? So like, I kind of get what you’re going through. So, um, if you ever want to talk to someone, or just like, I don’t know vent to or whatever about how other people think they know how you feel when they don’t, you know, I’m here, I guess.”

Buffy gave her a small smile. “Thanks, Kaitlin.”

Kaitlin nodded and held out her fist. “Dead moms club?” Buffy didn’t respond immediately, and Kaitlin’s eyes went wide, ans she started to lower fist. “Sorry, it’s probably way too soon-”

Buffy chuckled slightly, the closest she’d come to laughing in almost a week. “Dead moms club,” She said, giving Kaitlin a fist bump. Kaitlin smiled at her, and the two of them turned to start practice. Buffy weirdly felt better after that.

* * *

“Does it ever get better?”

Bowie glanced over at Buffy, sitting in the passenger seat of his car, hugging her knees, staring out the window, playing with her necklace. He didn’t need to ask what she was talking about. It had only been a couple weeks, and she was already doing better than he had been about five years ago, but that wasn’t saying much. She tried to pretend like everything was fine, but anybody who knew her could see right through it. She was like a completely different person. Quieter. More on edge. Bowie was pretty sure that this was the first time she’d left the house for anything other than school or basketball. She and Andi were having a sleepover, and he’d offered to pick her up on his way home from work.

He thought for a second before answering her question. “Yeah, I think it does.”

She looked at him. “How?”

“Time mostly. And talking about it helps.” He had waited three years to talk about his dad to anyone. Or even think about him. That had been a mistake. “I know it hurts, but you have to let yourself feel your feelings. And remember them. The good things and the bad things.”

She nodded, staring straight ahead. After a few seconds, she spoke again. “Do you think your dad’s in heaven?”

The question startled him, and he had to think for a second before he answered. Not because he didn’t have an answer, but because he wasn’t sure she’d want to hear it. “No. I don’t.”

She looked at him in surprise. “Why not?”

“I don’t really believe in heaven.”

“Oh. What do you believe in?”

He shrugged. “The Universe? When we die, the matter and energy that makes us up doesn’t really go anywhere, you know?” She nodded. “I’ve never really believed in any kind of afterlife. Ghosts maybe, but not in the traditional sense. More like, sometimes I can still feel my dad, you know?” She nodded again. “What about you? Where do you think your mom is?”

“I don’t know. I never really thought much about that kind of thing before. My parents were both raised religious, but they never really forced that on me, you know. Like, I’ve been to church a few times with my grandparents, but I never really paid much attention. I guess, I like to think my mom’s in heaven, but I also kind of like what you said. That she didn’t really go anywhere.” She shrugged. “I don’t know.” She looked back out the window.

Bowie glanced at her again, giving her a sad smile, even though she wasn’t looking at him. “Well, wherever she is, you know she loves you, right?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

He pretended not to notice her wiping her eyes as he parked the car. When they got out, she gave him a hug. He was a little surprised at first, but immediately returned it, holding her until she was ready to let go.


End file.
